Jeans Talk

I went into "Chubette Bryant" today (a.k.a. Lane Bryant) to see what kind of cutesy stuff they might have for the upcoming trip to Hawaii. I'm not looking for much, I have enough stuff right now to clothe a small (maybe medium) third world country, but I'm always looking for something cool and different.

Chubette's has changed somewhat in the last few years. Apparently all this talk about the "Obesity of America" got to their buyers and they actually started to find clothes that weren't something out of 1950. The kind of stuff they used to sell was really bad. Honestly, I wouldn't wear it to the proverbial dog fight ( where is that dog fight anyway? Has anyone been to a dog fight recently? Probably not since our relationship with our dogs has changed so much in the past few years. Dogs are now up there with kings, queens and super powers. They are held in higher regard than most people today. Look how much of the news has been spent on the "poisoned food" of late. Don't get all up in arms, I love dogs but they're dogs, not people for God's sake. When you here about a kid getting abused it's a story once, maybe twice, but if it's about the abuse of a dog, or any animal for that matter, this country goes berserk-what's that all about?)

I digress, sorry. As I walked through the aisles of my neighborhood Chubette Bryant I couldn't help but overhear a couple of the other "chubette's" in the store talking about the way they buy jeans. Man, you have no idea ( or at least it was news to me) what some people do to a pair of jeans.

The one woman, who was a good 250lbs was telling the other she found a way to get into the jeans that were clearly too small for her. She went on to say how she stepped into the legs of the jeans, then grabbed hold of the dresser in front of her, leaned over the dresser to brace herself. She then proceeded to try and do a split from side to side, then one foot in front of the other, all the time stretching the denim. (I felt sorry for the fabric). She went on to say as she stretched the bottom of the jeans she pulled the pant leg up further on her legs continuing to do this shimmy routine the whole way. She stretched and strained until the pants were under her substantial buttocks then she would do some deep knee squats. Deep knee squats! If she did more of them she wouldn't have to do the splits and shimmies I thought. (I'm fat so I can be critical about this- you can't if you're not fat too). This woman did more exercising putting on these pants than I've done in the last three months. Listening to her I was calculating how many calories she was burning as she attempted to become sausage filling in these jeans. I thought about the scenes I've watched as sausage was being squeezed into casing and the comparison was weird but it was similar.

I walked behind them listening at the same time pretending to be really interested in the 48 DDD bras I was looking at. (Man those things have to reinforced like crazy) . The young woman continued her explanation on the final stages of this amazing exercise routine.

She said after she had the pants about half way up her rear end she then fell backwards onto the bed and pulled her legs up to her chest. (Can you see this?) She would then wiggle back and forth and pull the waist until it pulled the back of the pants over her buttocks and the waist band was almost at the correct place on her waist. She then lifted her rear into the air and pushed her stomach in, kneading the flesh and whatever into the spaces she could find in the jeans. ( What spaces? She's probably pulled the fabric to the breaking point by this time, I would guess) She pulled and tugged at the waist band to button the top of the pants at the same time pushing the flesh and fat into the casing, I mean jeans. She grabbed the zipper tab and started to pull it up slowly as she sucked in all her breath, lifted her butt, and compressed her thighs, legs and stomach. She pulled until she got that sucker up to the top, then dropped her butt back on the bed and tried to breathe. She said she would lay there for a minute or two to rest ( freaking right! rest! she's lucky she didn't have a stroke or a heart attack!). When she was rested a bit she would stretch her legs and pull her knees up to her chest again to continue the stretching of the fabric.

Now, listen, I have to tell you after going through all that don't you think that when she stood up she'd have a huge roll of fat falling over the waist of the pants? I know I do if I put pants on that are too tight. Apparently her friend thought the same because I heard her ask about the excess flesh that she had squeezed up and out. The woman laughed and said she wore big over blouses and no one knew what was under there. Want to bet?