Free Will-no Free Willy

Ok let me preface this with saying that I don't really care what you think of me for writing this. You would write it too if you had the nerve. Don't go on about it's not the polite thing to do or any of that BS. Truth be told if you're honest with yourself you will see yourself in what I'm about to talk about. And don't give me that, " God wouldn't want you to say that. He/She/God/Goddess wouldn't have thought up "free will" if he/she/them, whatever, didn't expect some fireworks.

Did you ever know someone from your past that you just didn't like? You know the type, really pretty/handsome, self assured, always smiling, seeming to have everything you aspired to, but you couldn't quite get there. The one I knew was a couple of years older than me and she drove me nuts. Luckily I didn't see her often, and when I did it was from afar. But none the less, she was in my sights at times and I really didn't like her. I kept my feelings silent because everyone else thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I would watch her in school and think to myself, " I don't think she's what she is. I think she's fake. Fake hair, fake smile, fake cute little body, fake friendliness, fake, fake, fake". She was in all the prestigious clubs, she sang like an angel (that wasn't fake) so she was the darling of the:Drama Club, Select choir, Chorus, Music Department ( even the mean old accompanist that hated being there, hated all the kids, hated the piano she was using and hated all the plays and performances she had to attend because that was her job, really liked her). I didn't. I was envious, jealous, whatever, I know, but I didn't like her and I wasn't ashamed to admit it to myself. So what? She didn't know or care if I existed and as I said, our paths seldom crossed and when/if she looked at me she saw nothing. That's not any psychological, lacking of self-esteem on my part, it's just an accurate observation about the situation as it presented itself. Again , don't get all weird on me, this is my blog, I can say what I want, so there! ( I've never really grown up don't you know?)

She graduated with all kinds of accolades and honors. She marched across the stage, turned to the audience, blinding most of us with her dazzling smile ( at one point I thought I truly did go blind in one eye). She was going places and would be, "someone to be reckoned with in the future". All the rest of us finished High School a few years later, graduated, and we were going to go into the world in the shadow of the ,"girl with the golden voice, smile, personality and looks".

I didn't think much about her until a few of years after I graduated, so it must have been 5 years or more until I saw her again. I was dating my future husband and he wanted me to meet his best friend and his wife. Yep, I walked into the apartment, all cute and perky, and lo, and behold, who stands in front of me but, "Fake Girl", the one I had taken such a dislike to in high school. There she stood, hair, still fake, smile, not quite so bright ( hee hee), cute little shape (even though there were kids crawling all over her body as we stood there).

We shook hands to say "hello", and sat down on her cutesy little dollhouse furnishings, in her pink and pretty living room. (Gag, gag) I had all I could do not to say, " What the Hell happened? Why aren't you a star or a CEO or something other than, Mommy?" (Don't get all uptight here, there's nothing wrong with being "mommy" this is just an expectation thing I was dealing with, and I was absolutely amazed, not criticizing just amazed).

It was obvious she didn't care for me in the position I was in, on the arm of her friend, my future husband. She had met another "potential" ( at this point I was unaware that I was being posed as the "potential" by the way) and liked that girl better. The other girl was Chinese and apparently gushed at "Fake Girl" (I'll be referring to her as F.G. from now on-those quotation marks are getting to me).

I have never been one to "gush" over things, so I guess she thought I was too simple minded or something. She was pleasant to my date, but I guess I was invisible to her because she didn't extend pleasantries to me the way she did to my date. I must admit she was preoccupied with the gloms, called her kids, so perhaps I should've given her the benefit of the doubt. No, she ignored me.

The evening finally came to an end as she stood, smiled the not so brilliant smile she once had, gave my date a hug and said, " Come back again, Larry for dinner and some wine and we'll talk about things we all did in the past". I thought, "Hey, wait a minute, I never did anything in the past with you guys, so I guess I'm not being invited back...hmmm...I don't think she likes me". ( I'm a little slow sometimes...plus, I have to say I found her a bit intimidating on her home turf).

Larry and I married later that same year and his friend, F.G.'s husband was his best man. F.G. didn't attend the wedding, citing some unfortunate reason why she couldn't attend. I didn't think much about it the day of the wedding, but I did think about it later and I was miffed ( that's not as angry as being "pissed" but pretty damned close). I don't think I mentioned it to Larry but I guess I never really forgot about it.

Years went by and we didn't see them anymore, as a matter of fact we never saw either of them again after the wedding. Larry wanted to get in touch with his old friend several times over the years, but couldn't locate him. It was as if they dropped off the face of the Earth. We tried to find them by normal channels, phone book, last place they lived, friends of friends, to no avail. I often wonder how bill collectors can find so many people when I can never find a tenth of the people I look for at times. Obviously, I don't have the resources (or nerve) they have.

We did hear from time to time about them and still were unable to locate where they lived or how to get hold of them. The things we heard made me smile (ok...not a nice smile...more like a..."ohhhh, toooo bad" sort of smile). We heard that F.G. , after High School got a job in a coffee house in Boston (where I think she was going to college) and sang for a while, then left the place for some unknown reason. She came back home after a very short time in Boston and got pregnant and married Larry's friend. She had a couple more kids and became a stay at home Mom, complete with rules and regulations and she lorded over everyone with an iron whip. Her kids were perfect. They were only allowed to watch, "Family Affair" (remember that? Mr. French, Sissy, Buffy and Jody) and named her kids after the characters in the show. (How weird is that?)

I wonder what life has brought them. Years (40 at that) have gone by and with that many years under your belt you're bound to change (sometimes for the better, then again I've seen some go the other way as well). My wish is that she got fat( I know this is probably a pipe dream for me but maybe, somehow, her thyroid went bad on her and she gained a ton of weight and is now struggling to lose the last 50 pounds.....), her hair is no longer pretty, it's now straw like( so many years of peroxide takes it's toll you know), she has dentures, (ok they're not so bad if you have to have them, but I'm being nasty so I hope she had to get them because she had some periodontal disease she got from using some artificial teeth whitener in the past, see I told you she was "fake"). The reality of the whole ting is, she's old, just like me, and no matter what, she can't change that (or fake it for long) so I think I have a pretty good idea that life and time is the ultimate equalizer.